


sorry that i think i'm not enough

by peroxideprncss



Series: beyond your darkness, i'm your light [5]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Emotional Hurt, F/M, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:33:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24500884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peroxideprncss/pseuds/peroxideprncss
Summary: in which Mai falls ill
Relationships: Aang/Katara (Avatar) - mentioned, Mai/Zuko (Avatar)
Series: beyond your darkness, i'm your light [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1765171
Comments: 12
Kudos: 172





	sorry that i think i'm not enough

**Author's Note:**

> **contains description and themes of pregnancy loss**  
>  i'm so sorry. my maiko fics recently have been so fluffy and then i thought of this and just had to get it down. it's so sad and i'm SORRY.  
> unlike the rest of this series, this one isn't a direct continuation of the previous part. it takes place a few more years down the line. it'll probably get pushed to a later part of the series as i add more.

Fire Lord Zuko was still hard at work rebuilding his nation, even though the war had been over for years now. Although he knew that he was doing important work, he still was never a fan of the seemingly never-ending meetings that came with it. Today, though, he would have a friend by his side, making it just a little less boring. Avatar Aang had arrived the night prior, Katara with him as always, to spend some time catching up before the long day ahead of them.

The next day, Aang and Zuko had entered the throne room early in the morning, and the women knew that it would be a long time before they saw them again. Mai announced that she would be retiring back to her chamber for a nap, while Katara decided to spend some time bending in the courtyard. She played with the cascading water of the fountain, teasing the turtleducks, when she noticed the Fire Lady walking towards her.

“Katara,” Mai’s voice was weak as she approached the waterbender, “Can I ask for your help?” Katara’s eyes widened in concern as she faced her. Mai was pale, with sweat glistening on her forehead; her fingers trembled as she reached over to steady herself against a tree. Katara rushed to her side, putting an arm gingerly around her waist as she helped her step into the shade.

“You should sit down, Mai,” Katara said, already starting to lower her onto a nearby bench. “You don’t look well.”

“It’s just my monthly bleeding,” Mai responded dismissively, “But, it’s worse than it’s been recently. I was hoping you could do something with your healing, to help with the pain.”

“Are you sure that’s all it is?” Katara asked, already bending the water from the pouch at her side. As the liquid surrounded her hands, she moved to place them against Mai’s abdomen. Before she could touch her, Mai hunched over and vomited.

“We should go inside,” Katara said, quickly directing the water back into her pouch so she could help Mai stand up again. She had lifted the woman halfway off her seat when Mai collapsed back down, fainting.

“Mai?” Katara’s voice raised as she tried to wake her, “Mai!”

“What’s going on?” Suki’s voice echoed from across the courtyard as she rushed over, Ty Lee at her side.

“She’s fainted,” Katara explained, “I need help getting her inside.” Ty Lee sprung to action, threading her arms under Mai’s shoulders as Katara lifted her legs.

“There’s an empty bedroom just inside here,” Suki explained, as they rushed back into the palace. She held the door open for them as they carried their friend across the threshold. She joined them at the bedside as Katara began to remove Mai’s outer robes. This revealed the fabric of her tunic underneath, which was dark with blood below her hips.

“Someone needs to go get Zuko,” Katara ordered, and Suki rushed out the door just as the glow of healing water started to illuminate the room.

* * *

Zuko stifled a yawn, trying to listen intently as the Earth Kingdom diplomat droned on for what felt like hours. His eyes met Aang’s, with whom he shared a look of boredom, before turning his attention back to the speaker. He was grateful that his friend was here to share in some of the daily tedium of running a nation. The monotony was broken when the door to the chamber suddenly slammed open.

“My Lord,” Suki bowed quickly, her voice unsteady as she tried to catch her breath, “You’re needed immediately. The Fire Lady has taken ill.” Zuko’s heart dropped upon hearing those last few words. He tried to maintain his composure as he apologized to his guests.

“Please excuse me,” he managed to let out, before hurrying out of the room behind the flustered warrior. Once they were down the hall, he spoke again.

“What happened? Is Mai okay?” he asked, his voice thick with emotion.

“She fainted in the courtyard,” Suki responded as they rushed through the corridors, “Katara is with her now.” The hallways felt longer than ever, as if they were stretching on endlessly. After what felt like an eternity, they arrived. Zuko froze at the threshold when the door opened; he was stunned by the sight of his wife, pale and shaking, and immediately felt guilt for not being there. He forced his legs to move so he could go to her side.

“What happened?” he asked again, this time directing his question to Katara.

“I’m not sure yet,” she answered, sweat dampening her own brow as she worked, “She told me that it was just her regular bleeding, but something else is going on. She threw up before she fainted. And there’s a lot of blood here…”

At this last sentence, Zuko’s eyes finally left Mai’s face to survey the rest of her body. He drew in a sharp breath when he saw the dampened fabric below her. He brought her hand to his lips, kissing her knuckles, faintly tasting the salt of her sweat. He used his sleeve to blot the moisture from her forehead gently.

“Zuko?” Mai whispered, her eyes fluttering open weakly.

“I’m here, love,” he answered, caressing her cheek tenderly, “I’m right here.” She feebly lifted a hand to meet the one on her face. Zuko took that one, too.

“Mai?” Katara asked, still hyper-focused on her hands at the woman’s abdomen as the water glowed around them, “Do you remember when you started bleeding?”

“I – I think I noticed it this morning,” Mai said, voice barely above a whisper, “I thought it was just my cycle, finally.”

“Finally?” Katara repeated under her breath, brow furrowing in confusion before her eyes widened in realization, “Mai, when was your last cycle?”

“Two…three months ago?” Mai answered, trying hard to remember exactly. “It’s been all over the place for the past year now, but it always showed up eventually.” She winced as Katara’s hands reached the lower part of her stomach.

“Mai, I don’t think –” Katara hesitated, tears beginning to well in her eyes, “I don’t think this is your regular bleeding.” She fell silent as she continued to work, and the women in the room slowly realized what she was saying.

“You mean…” Mai started, tears beginning to blur her vision as well. She couldn’t bring herself to say the words out loud.

“I’m so sorry,” Katara said, her own tears falling into the pool of water around her hands. They all sat in silence. Zuko was confused, unsure of what unspoken thing everyone else had understood, but he was more concerned with comforting his wife and making sure she was okay. So, he didn’t speak, but rather just quietly wiped the tears as they fell from Mai’s eyes.

* * *

Time seemed to slow to a crawl, and Zuko felt completely powerless as he watched the scene before him. It felt like hours before Katara finally guided the water from her hands back into her hip pouch. Her fingers were pruned, the skin puckered from being submerged for so long. Mai had stopped sweating, but the new moisture soaking her face were the tears that fell fast and hot, streaming down her temples to soak in her hair that had started to become messily splayed below her across the pillow.

“Mai,” Katara tentatively broke the silence, keeping her voice soft and gentle, “You should take a hot bath now.” The woman simply nodded in response and leaned on her husband to support her as she sat up in the bed.

“I’ve got you,” he whispered to her, holding her steady. He turned to Ty Lee and Suki as he spoke again.

“Would you –”

“We’ll take care of everything,” Suki responded before he could even finish, and the warriors stepped out of the room.

“Katara?” Zuko asked, turning back to his friend. He took a deep breath, trying to find the right words to say next. She understood, and began to explain.

“Mai was pregnant. From what I can tell, not for very long, but…” her voice trailed off, but Zuko could fill in the blanks. He nodded solemnly, a few of his own tears falling.

“I’ll leave you two alone for a moment,” Katara spoke again, breaking the silence before stepping outside. Just on the other side of the door, her own love was waiting for her, and right before the door closed, Zuko could hear her collapse into sobs as Aang enveloped her in his arms.

“Mai?” Zuko started, wanting to ask a million questions. He balked when she began to cry out loud, at first hiccupping sobs. He held her tight to him when she began to wail.

“I love you,” he reminded her, his heart breaking as her tears soaked through his robes. He whispered this again and again as they sat together in the heaviness. A soft knock at the door finally echoed into the room.

“The bath is ready,” Ty Lee whispered, hesitating to enter. Zuko simply nodded to her before she closed the door gently. He pulled himself slowly away from Mai.

“Come on,” he said, rounding to the other side of the bed to help her stand, “Let’s get you cleaned up.” His wife nodded, letting him guide her to her feet. She clung tight to him once more as they walked out of the room.

They made their way slowly through the halls of the palace, Ty Lee escorting them as Suki stayed behind to gather the bedsheets. They must have told the servants and guards to clear out, because the grand building felt eerily hollow.

Upon arriving at their bedchamber, Zuko guided Mai into the washroom. Meanwhile, the female warriors stood guard outside the door, ensuring that no one would intrude. Zuko gingerly helped his wife remove her robes, trying not to focus on the crimson stains in the fabric. When she was undressed, he guided her into the waiting bath.

“Do you want me to join you?” he asked softly. She simply shook her head in response.

“Do you want me to leave you alone?” he followed up. She shook her head once more, her face twisting as new tears fell.

“I’m here,” he reminded her again, and knelt on the floor beside the tub. He gingerly removed the remaining pins that had been trying to keep her hair in its place, smoothing it with his hands as it cascaded down her bare back. He began to comb through the inky locks with his fingers. Where she would normally relax into his touch, Mai instead stayed still, her shoulders hunched forward while her arms wrapped around her bent knees. Her breathing did even, though, as the tears began to dry. They sat like this, Mai unmoving, and Zuko smoothing her hair, until the water had long stopped steaming.

“I’m cold,” she finally spoke, suddenly moving to stand up. Zuko watched as the water beaded down her skin, ever so faintly red where it had washed away the stickiness between her thighs. As she stepped out of the tub, he finally rose to his feet, offering his hand to her. She took it briefly.

“Let me get you some fresh clothes,” he said, handing her a plush towel in the meantime. He walked ahead of her into their room, rummaging through the wardrobe while Mai made a beeline for the bed. He picked out the softest robes he could find, heating them softly in his hands before turning to his wife, only to find her already laying on top of their sheets, towel half-draped around her. He set the clothes on the foot of the bed and decided to crawl in next to her. She was on her side facing away from him, knees curled up nearly to her chin. He pressed his chest against her back and wrapped his arms around her waist. When his hands rested on her abdomen, like they always did when they laid like this, she began to cry once more.

“I’m sorry,” she sobbed, “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, Mai,” Zuko comforted, moving his hands up to rest against her ribs, “You don’t need to apologize.”

“Isn’t it like, my only job as Fire Lady to produce an heir to the throne? And apparently, I can’t even do that right,” she spoke with a harsh tone, chastising herself.

“Absolutely not,” Zuko answered firmly, “Who told you that?”

“Please, Zuko,” Mai responded sharply, “It’s not like anyone had to explicitly say it to my face. It’s what everyone is thinking, pretty much since the day of our wedding. The High Sage even wrote it into our vows, for fuck’s sake.”

“Mai…” Zuko started softly, but she cut him off.

“And I _know_ the people don’t like me. I know your advisors constantly chide you about marrying me, telling you we’re not ‘well-matched’. And now I’ve just gone ahead and proven them right.”

“Mai, stop,” Zuko said sternly, stopping her tirade, “You haven’t done _anything wrong_. You haven’t _done_ anything. This just…happened. It’s nobody’s fault.”

“That won’t stop them from blaming me,” she responded, unraveling from his arms to move away from him. Unable to argue, Zuko laid there for another moment before moving to sit on the edge of the bed. He moved to stand up completely when Mai spoke again, softly.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized, “I’m not upset with you, and it’s not fair for me to take this out on you. I know you’re hurting, too. Please don’t go…”

Zuko’s heart broke again, for the innumerable time that day, before he lay down to join her again. She finally turned to face him.

“You have every right to be upset,” Zuko spoke, his thumb caressing her cheekbone, “I’m so sorry that you’ve been made to feel this way. I never wanted this for you.” He kissed her softly, once again tasting the familiar saltiness of her tears. He pulled her close to him, holding her tightly until her breathing slowed and she fell asleep.

* * *

By now, it was dark, but Zuko realized he wouldn’t be sleeping anytime soon. He carefully removed himself from Mai’s grip, slowly rising from the bed. He removed the damp towel that had been covering her and replaced it with warm blankets, then he kissed her forehead before stepping quietly out of the room.

He was shocked to see that Suki and Ty Lee were the ones still standing there. He looked on them with tired eyes, noticing that their makeup was smudged almost completely off from where they had been crying earlier.

“Please, go rest,” he implored them, “It’s been a long day.” Suki nodded, but Ty Lee stayed still, frozen in her position. When her fellow warrior placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, she sighed, nodding before the two walked off. Zuko watched them round the corner before moving again.

He wasn’t sure where he was heading, but he suddenly found himself before his advisors’ meeting chambers. He knocked once before entering.

“My Lord,” one of them greeted with a bow, surprised to see him, “How is Fire Lady Mai? We heard she was ill.”

“Let me make one thing very clear,” Zuko began, his voice commanding the room’s entire attention, “My wife will no longer be made to feel as if her sole duty on this earth is to bear children. I should have never allowed for that kind of implication in the first place.”

“My Lord, I –” the advisor’s stuttering was cut off by Zuko’s intense glare.

“Your job is to advise me on political matters, not personal ones,” he continued, “If I _ever_ hear of you pestering Mai about an heir again, I –” Zuko interrupted himself to take a deep breath. No matter how angry he was, he needed to maintain his composure. The advisors stared at him, eyes wide with fear. Zuko silently chastised himself before speaking again.

“I apologize for my harsh tone,” he said, bowing sincerely, “Nevertheless, I hope my point was made clear.”

“Yes, my Lord,” they responded, bowing in return. He nodded at them before exiting the room. It wouldn’t take away the hurt their words had already caused, but hopefully it would prevent any new hurt in the future. He made his way back into his bedroom, shedding his robes in favor of a sleeping tunic, before laying by his wife’s side once more. He slipped under the covers and scooped her into his arms, comforted by her warmth. He listened to the steady rhythm of her breathing until it finally lulled him to sleep, where he dreamt of a day that news of a pregnancy would bring joy instead of grief.


End file.
